Monday, January 04, 2010
hi, i'm back. but not for long.
it's twenty ten.
2 days after i moved away from this space, i lost one of my bestest friend. everything seemed to spiral out of control after that. i felt like i wasn't the same person anymore. that unfortunate incident changed the way i think, my habits and more. it brought me closer to the sweetest people i've ever known who i will forever cherish and love. but somehow, there's still a missing piece in my heart.
i think i like myself best in secondary school, when i stayed strong to my beliefs & was what they say "miss goody-two-shoes". however, people didn't really like me back then. somehow i feel that people like me more when i'm bitchier or something, idk.
all my life i feel as though i'm not allowed to feel the way i'm really feeling inside. it felt more like i was obliged to reciprocate what others are feeling so as not to dampen their moods or something. like i’m not allowed to feel what i really feel - that i’m not allowed to feel sad because i’m supposed to be happy like them and i’m not allowed to be happy because they are feeling sad.
it felt wrong to show that i’m sad, how is that even fair?
& now, it's the forth day of twenty ten. time passes so quickly it scares me.
for a very long time i've been seeking, praying, dreaming for someone who loves me more than he loves himself - he who will send me morning texts, accompany me through the afternoon, numb all my pain by evening and leave me smiling in my sleep.
but still, i am empty.