Monday, October 13, 2008
Words that don't flow smoothly..
but that's not the point.
I give up. I surrender. I admit defeat.
Everything I thought I had is just some imagination,
a product of my desperate wants & needs.
I take everything too seriously.
Those kind thoughts,
kind words,
kind gestures..
Do they really mean it?
If they do,
then why do I feel this way?
That day I stood there, frantic.
No one was looking out for me.
I felt a sense of redundancy.
Why should I even try to fit in,
when the picture's already too perfect?
Too perfect, that in the end,
my existence only ruins it,
and in return,
all I get is hatred.
Why do I keep holding on
when all there is in return are empty promises?
You know,
I am always able to tell how much I mean to others
during semester breaks - nothing.
If I'm lucky maybe I'll get patronisation.
If not, well,
just nothing.
But then,
no one is to blame
cos the problem lies with me.
I'm better off solo, an individual,
like it always should have been,
right from the beginning.
I need to go somewhere.
A place where I don't have to pretend,
where no one knows me.
& just like in kindergarten,
where everyone are friends
and we look out for each other,
always,
unconditionally.
Words are just words.
If you really mean it,
show me that you do.
If you really dislike me,
tell me that you do.
Stop the patronising,
cos it'll only hurt me more
when you leave me forgotten again once more.
It's feel embarrassing everytime I see myself
pondering through the night,
pretending to be the protangonist in my favourite book,
stealing her happiness,
her joy,
her laughter,
her smiles,
her love...
Do you really think I'm unbreakable?
Maybe I am so,
but my heart seems to have grown so fragile that
it chips away everytime there is disappointment,
slowly, but surely.
Will I ever find someone who can make it whole again?
I think I'd have committed suicide already
if I didn't had such a wonderful family,
mother & sister in particular,
& my fat brother.
So, TY <3